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2 + 2 + 2 = 7 (Jokes)

Had to go to the E.R. today. Not a fun experience.
Don’t worry, I’m going to be OK but I really must warn you -
The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.
Great, now I have to spend the weekend interviewing for a home care nurse!
 
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'?

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.
 
Nice one Mike. I can't wait for the next time I'm around a woman that brings up child birth!
 
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Texan?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ ......... ..
Republican's Answer:

BANG!


............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ ......

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
 
Why did he only load his mags with 5 rounds? ;-D
 
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so
advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on
another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work." G

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany
we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4
weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a
heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2
weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us.
Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no
heart, and no balls and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
 
TWO CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'...
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
 
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman , Montana , awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University . Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".
 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

Scroll down.












"The gun was loaded with blanks,” she said. "I had to kill him with the chair!
 
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came
down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested,
but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time
being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early enough, decided
to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what
her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not
with him.
She joined the party and
soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being
a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new babe who had just
arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished ...
naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight,
she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Browning, and some other guys, so
we went into the den and played
poker all evening.
But you're not going to
believe what happened to the
guy I loaned my costume to..."
 
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