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2 + 2 + 2 = 7 (Jokes)

I Nearly Became A Doctor.

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes via forums.
 
First day back at school for year one kids.
Teacher asks them what they did in the holidays.
Jenny: "We went to my uncle's farm and watched him shear the bah bahs!"
Teacher: "Come on Jenny, you're in year one now, they're called sheep. Anyone else?
Billy: "We went for a drive in the country and saw some moo moos!"
Teacher: "Now Billy, what did I tell Jenny? You're a big boy, they're called cows. Anyone else? (getting a bit annoyed now)"

Little Johnny is waving his hand furiously.

Teacher: "Okay Johnny, what did you do?"
Johnny: "I read a book."
Teacher: "Well done! How very grown up of you, Johnny! What was the book?"
Johnny: "Winnie the Shit!"
 
I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended
up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had
TV and Internet, and I went to the gym and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even
had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I just got out of prison..."
 
One sunny day in February, 2017, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and
meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton did not win the election, is not President and doesn't reside
here.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton”.

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton did not win the election, is
not President and doesn't reside here.”

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to President Hillary Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
Clinton did not win the election, is not President and doesn't reside here. Don't you
understand?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your
answer!”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir."
 
The system sucks!

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been fired after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant veterinarian..
 
I thought about tagging him on it, but I did not want anyone to think I was referring to him whatsoever....
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.

The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him. And he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief...

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Harry: "Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put the little sh*t in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
 
@nitesite

:nana:

:giggle:

Not sure how funny or true this is :

How to Tell Where a Cop works:


Narcotics
-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start wearing "Tap Out" t-shirts
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Practice the "Don't acknowledge me, even in the police station, look."
-Thinks even the Chief worships you.
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT
-Wear team T-shirts (size small), Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word "breach" and "tactical" in to every conversation.
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo and Muscle and Fitness magazines.
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife and a back-up gun (just in case)

Community Service Units
-Hate SWAT.
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.

Traffic units
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy the bat guana out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else's radio traffic.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Constantly ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
-Refer to the "other" law enforcement officers as "Car cops."
-"LBR" (Look Bitchin' Riding) is your mantra
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

K-9 Units
-Become sadistic.
-Show pictures of your latest dog bite.
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises.

Administrative Units
-Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting."
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs
-Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.

Patrol Units
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-Is respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.

FTO
-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a "good training opportunity" and asks to take primary.
-Life long case of irrital bowel syndrome
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.

Detectives
-Come in at 0800.
-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030.
-Work from 1030 to Noon.
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.

Patrol Sergeant
-Remembers very well "how we usta do do it."
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."

Trainee
-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

New Corrections Officers
- Show up for work 15 minutes early.
- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).
- Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform.
- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
- Become friends with every local police officer.

Defensive Tactics Instructors
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.
-Wears yoga pants off-duty
-Chuck Norris is GOD
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.

Firearms Instructor
- Responds to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?'
- Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval rating.
- Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
- Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
- Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.
 
The IRS has returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"

The man wrote "9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington.

The IRS stated that the answer he gave was unacceptable!

The man responded back, "Who did I leave out? "
 
A Silver Bullet

The Lone Ranger was arrested in Lone Pine, California today for the crime of illegally transferring silver bullets. The famed masked man had just apprehended an armed felon after shooting the gun out of his hand. As was his practice for the last eighty years, he gave a silver bullet to the outlaw’s victim.

She was a kindly old widow who was robbed and held captive by the desperado. This lady, grateful that her life and property were restored, treasured the silver bullet as a symbol that justice was done.

The trouble started when she showed the bullet to her weekly garden club. Upon seeing the gleaming memento, one lady fainted. Another lady gasped that they were all going to die. A third lady, who was also a member of CHA (California Hysterics Anonymous), warned that where there was a bullet there had to be a gun. During the shocked silence an attendee desperately summoned the Sheriff on her cell phone.

When the Sheriff heard their story he struggled to stifle a laugh. He knew the old gentleman on the big white horse. He also appreciated how many criminals the Lone Ranger had captured over the years. However, since California voters passed Proposition 63, he had to uphold the law.

Predictably, he found the masked man enjoying a Near Beer at the Dry Gulch Saloon back in town.

“Thanks for helping old widow Smith,” he said, “but did you really give her a silver bullet?”

“Yes,” replied the Lone Ranger, “after all that’s my trademark. Got a problem with that?”

“Well, yes,” hesitated the sheriff. “Ya see…under Proposition 63, you’ve got to be a licensed firearms dealer to give anyone a bullet.”

“Are you kidding?”, asked the Lone Ranger.

“Wish I was,” said the embarrassed sheriff, “and to boot whoever receives the bullet has to be registered with the Department of Justice.”

“Holy guacamole!”, exclaimed the masked man. “Did I do anything else wrong?”

“Well,” said the sheriff, looking even more sheepish now, “there’s the little matter of you shooting a gun out of the outlaw’s hand.”

“What!” said the Lone Ranger. “If I hadn’t done that, the skunk would have plugged me for sure.”

“I know that,” admitted the Sheriff, “but he’ll probably sue you for failing to retreat and using unnecessary force. If they convict you, they’ll take your six-shooters away for good. Which reminds me, according to California law, your pistols have too large a capacity. If I were you, I’d convert those six-shooters into five-shooters as quick as you can.”

“Jumpin’ Junipers!” exclaimed the Lone Ranger. “I’d better tell this to my faithful Indian companion, Tonto.”

“Hold on,” said the Sheriff. “I need to remind you that Indians are now referred to as Native Americans. We privileged male pale faces have got to remember that.”

As the Lone Ranger sat in shocked silence, the sheriff explained his rights and proceeded to take him in.

Postscript:

Upon being provided an attorney at state expense, the outlaw successfully sued the Lone Ranger. He claimed that he could no longer work since he had suffered the permanent loss of his trigger finger. Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom urged imposing the maximum sentence for possession of illegal ammunition and a firearm that exceeds lawful capacity. He received a huge monetary award, forcing the Lone Ranger to sell the silver mine.

Tonto was deemed innocent but victimized by virtue of being a member of an oppressed minority. He was given land by the state and now operates a very profitable casino.

After getting out of jail, the Lone Ranger could not find a job since he was now an ex-con. Fortunately, Tonto lets him do light janitorial work at the casino and sleep in the basement.

Following the passage of Proposition 63, violent crime in California has steadily increased. Lt. Governor Newsom advises troubled property owners to protect themselves by posting signs that say: Keep Out—Gun Free Zone
 
^^^ Unfortunately, that is not a joke but what things have been moving toward the last 8 years...
 
Went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi".
Brilliant songs like “Losing my head over you”, “Rocket Launcher Man”, “You’re 6, You’re beautiful, and you’re mine”.
Their last song, "Living on a Prayer Mat", almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim dude started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?”

That's when the trouble started....
 
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish in Boston and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see' and 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand'". The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying "No shit, what happened next?"
 
So here was Sherman, a master Olympic wrestler, 3 Olympic Golds, multiple world titles as well, training for what will be his retirement match at the upcoming Olympics.

His coach comes into the room "I have some bad news". "The most probable finalist opponent will be Olav Gregorsky from deep inside Russia. I've never heard of him, I can't get any information about him, except he has NEVER lost a match. On only two matches he ever fought he used a proprietary hold to win. That was called the 'Pretzel hold'. Nobody outside of Russia has ever seen that hold. It is literally unbeatable".

Sherman looked a little rattled, but said "Whatever!"

Fast forward to the Olympics. Both Sherman and Olav have decidedly won every match, but Olav has not used his pretzel hold. Now it's for the gold, and the two men enter the ring.

Coach is beside himself and goes out for a drink.

When coach returns to the stadium a few minutes later he hears his anthem playing and sees Sherman on top of the podium, looking very much worse for wear and tear. But Sherman was the winner. Olav was second and crying like a little girl.

Minutes later Sherman hobbles off the podium into coaches arms. Coach asks "What happened? Did he use the pretzel hold?" Sherman replies "Boy did he ever! After 3 rounds we were very evenly matched and getting tired. Suddenly my world was upside down, I didn't know where my arms or legs were. Couldn't breathe. My vision was fading fast and as I looked up I saw this crotch bouncing off my chin. What the hell, so I bit down as hard as I could".

"Yeah... and?" asks coach. "You'd be surprised what you can do if you bite your own balls!"
 
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