I live on a hill and my house is uphill from the road. This means that I need to clear my driveway of all snow no matter how slight so it doesn't become packed and create a ski slope into the road and then into the neighbor’s house across the street.
So, Sunday morning, I get up to clear off the inch or two that was in the driveway from the previous days snowfall. Not too big of a deal as we have had very little if any accumulation this year. I grab my jacket and gloves and head out to the shed.
I pull out the snow blower and figure I will be able to run at full speed and make quick work of the light covering and be back inside enjoying a lazy Sunday before long. I top off the fuel tank and get it all set up to start it.
First pull of the chord and it breaks off in my hand. OK, I can fix this after I am done because it has an electric start as well. I drag it around to the other side of the shed to my motorcycle trailer is so I can use the power chord I have the trailer hooked up with. I plug in the chord, hit the button and the worst gear grinding noise is all I get. The starter has come loose and is not engaging.
OK, now I am getting ripped. I go back inside, grab some tools and head back out. I drag the snow blower to an open space in the driveway and clear a patch with the shovel to work. It’s not that I can’t figure this stuff out, it’s that this isn’t what I wanted to be doing today, ah, homeownership… (have I mentioned I HATE being cold yet?) After dropping a socket or two into the snow I begin to speak in tongues. I have to remove my glasses because the steam pouring out of my jacket into my face is fogging them up. Gloves become a hindrance like trying to type with mittens... just isn't happening. I stumble along and secure the starter the best I can figure out and drag it back over to the power chord.
Something resembling my sanity in a rock tumbler is the sound it makes and doesn't start. OK, this can't beat me, I must win.
I remove the pull chord winding and bring it inside to re-attach the rope. I clear off a spot on my work bench and manage to reattach the rope and wind it up. OK, maybe this won't end so badly after all? I get it all back outside and replace it. First pull only half the rope retracts. At this point, if they are looking, I can picture the neighbors having dialed 9-1 and are waiting to dial the other 1.
I attempt the half rope pulls for 10 minutes. It doesn't start. The girlfriend has been coloring her hair this whole time and has been giving me plenty of room to this point understanding just how periless contact at this point could be. But she decides this is the best time to offer her insight to the understanding of internal combustion engines.
"Have you checked the oil?" she asks sticking her head out of the door with her head wrapped in something I can't make out due to the sauna like steam clouds pouting out of my jacket into my glasses at this point.
I think I did something that looked like a scene out of Poltergeist, because she immediately shrank back into the house with just the utterance of “Jody, … go!”
I believe I hear a snicker from the lawn mower as I dejectedly push the snow blower back into the shed in disgust.
I grabbed the shovel and began the long slow process of shoveling my entire 75 yard driveway including the turn around, by hand.
After I finished, I crumpled myself into the couch after stripping off the clothes that have now adhered to my body like tube socks in wallpaper paste. I use that time to make note to myself that I USED to go to the gym on a regular basis, and that was years ago. I need to get my lazy ass back in shape.
Not far into this internal conversation, my friend that is renting one of my bedrooms comes in and sees the subtle notes of homicide on my face and asks what’s up. I explain my day to him and (being a mechanic) sets his things down and heads out to have a look.
First press of the starter button, it fires right up. He lets it idle and warm up and it rumbles along as if to taunt me. I grab my PS3 controller and start up Battlefield 3 to reap my vengeance on some poor unsuspecting 7 year old and take pleasure in it.
He comes in shortly afterward with the pull rope assembly and repairs that. I thank him for his kindness while a sneering smile creeps over my face as explosive projectiles from my on screen shotgun send some poor guy several feet into the air cartwheeling with what I envision is my snow blower alung to his side.
I am sore but a better man for surviving this. Right?