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2 + 2 + 2 = 7 (Jokes)

ripjack13

Resident Sawdust Maker
Staff member
Administrator
Supporter
"Philanthropist"
Three men were flying in a small plane over the ocean, when all of a sudden the engines cut out and they are forced to make an emergency landing near a small island. They are then greeted by some very hostile natives who take them before the big chief.
The big chief asks the 1st man, "Death or Oogabooga?"
The 1st man says, "I don't know what the hell Oogabooga is, but it's got to be better than death, so I choose Oogabooga."
The chief then orders all the native men to sodomize the 1st man. The chief then asks the second man, "Death or Oogabooga?"
The 2nd man doesn't like the sound of either one now, but still chooses Oogabooga over being killed, and he to is sodomized.
Finally the chief asks the 3rd man, "Death or Oogabooga?"
He has already decided that he would rather die than to be sodomized, so he says confidently, "DEATH!"
So big chief says, "OK, death by Oogabooga!"
 

Pawpaw

.30-06
Supporter
Bar operated by Robots

A guy goes into a bar in New York where all the bartenders are robots.

The guy sits down at the bar and the robot asks:
"What will you have?"
The guy replies, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168"
The robot talks about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves, he pauses at the street corner and thinks about what he just encountered. And the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.

The robot asks, "What's your drink?"
The guy answers, "Whiskey."

The robot returns with his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"
This time the man replies, "100."

The robot talks about nascar, Budweiser, SEC football, and all-star wrestling.

The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in this "Experiment" that he decides he'll try again.

He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he wants to drink.
The man replies, "Whiskey."

The robot brings the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"
This time the man answers, "50."

The robot leans in real close and slowly asks, "So, are you people still unhappy that Hillary lost?
 
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ripjack13

Resident Sawdust Maker
Staff member
Administrator
Supporter
"Philanthropist"
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Please Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
 

John A.

Unconstitutional laws are not laws.
Staff member
Administrator
Global Moderator
My middle son was the same way when he got his first car and was trying to figure out how to roll down the window.

Yes, it had a crank and was not electric windows.
 

Pawpaw

.30-06
Supporter
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to nice ripe old age."

So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren... and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
 

Pawpaw

.30-06
Supporter
A Muslim child asks his mother "Mama, what's the difference between Democracy and Racism?" Mother, dressed in her burqa says "Well son, Democracy is when the tax payers work hard every day so that we can get all our benefits, you know, like free housing, free health care, free education and grants to build our mosques and community centres, and so forth, you know that's a Democracy". "But Mama, don't the tax payers get angry about that?" "Sure they do and that's what we call Racism!"
 

Pawpaw

.30-06
Supporter
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to" Dave replied.

"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said 'Surprise'".

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want"...
 

Pawpaw

.30-06
Supporter
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said "Hi. You know, I just H-A-T-E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing".

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes".

The social worker then went on to explain further "Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive".

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said "Yeah, well...You started it!"
 

Scoop

.30-06
507700630d9f5.jpeg
 

Scoop

.30-06
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way back home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” he replied.

“I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.

Afterwards she went to McDonald’s for a lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh you look about 29.”

I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will able to tell your exact age.”

There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 47.

Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old man replied, I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
 

Pawpaw

.30-06
Supporter
After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job a s a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence. The rest of the year went smoothly.
 

Pawpaw

.30-06
Supporter
Dear Charlie,

We've been neighbors for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I'm not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Cordially, Harry
 
RANDY WALKED TO WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND STOP AT THE BAR FRONT DOOR.
5 SECONDS LATER A GUY CAME TO THE BAR FRONT DOOR AND RANDY ASK HIM
TO BUY HIM A BEER. "THE GUY SAID NO!
10 SECONDS LATER A GUY WALK TO THE FRONT DOOR OF THE BAR AND RANDY
ASK HIM TO BUY HIM A BEER. "THE GUY SAID NO!
4 SECONDS LATER A WOMAN CAME TO THE BAR FRONT DOOR. RANDY STATED
THAT 2 OTHER GUYS SAID NO TO BUYING HIM A BEER.
THE WOMAN SAID THAT SHE WOULD BUY RANDY A BEER IF HE DID THIS!
RANDY WALKED INTO THE BAR, WENT TO THE FIRST GUY THAT SAID NO,
AND STARTED TO BEAT THE HECK OUT OF HIM. RANDY GOT HIS BEER..
 
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