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2 + 2 + 2 = 7 (Jokes)

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.
Then he told me not to do it again.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the f%#k I am now...
 



While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest c hampagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven.."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before,
I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning ...

Today, you voted.."
 
wmgirl.jpg

WARNING! SCAM ALERT! Be on the lookout for this girl and her friend. They are hanging out around the Meijer and Wal-Mart parking lots. When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald's.They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car this one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over you,while she keeps you busy, the other one takes your wallet. I've had mine taken on the 7th,8th, 10th and twice yesterday.probably two more times tomorrow. Wal-Mart has wallets for $2.99,but I found some at the dollar store for .99¢ so I bought all they had. These two harlots not only take your wallet, but you never even make it to McDonald's so I've already lost 11lbs. Keep a lookout for them ( I find lunch time and around 5:30 the best times)
 
> This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in
> recent times:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Life
>
>
>
>
> "Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and
> hanging free..
>
>
>
>
> it's women who make it hard."
 
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."

His buddy says:

“Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.

She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.

I just don't know what to do."

A much older fellow sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."
 
MikeD that one reminded me of an old one.

Did you hear that scientists have discovered a food which totally eliminates a woman's sex drive? It's called wedding cake.
 
Don't forget about the contraceptive device most effective at subduing a woman's sex drive...

...the wedding ring...
 
Got this from another forum.

I liked it.
-------------------------------------

A friend got this joke from his dad today, a retired LEO. Never heard it before, but def worth its own thread!
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you . . .

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY, THEN SCROLL DOWN:








Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!





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Republican's Answer:
BANG!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .





Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click . . . . .
(Sounds of mag drop and reload)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click. . . .
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!'
 
They need to scrap the NY CA compliant mags and get some with max capacity. :-D
 
Kimber 1911 45 ACP magazine = 7 rounds.

Or 7+1 and 7 with a reload.

That was max capacity ;)
 
Texas police do care!

In the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX police found a man’s body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while out that night in Kerrville. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzel dust on his eyelids, 2½ inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
 
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
 
ABSOLUTELY AMAZING
I love math tricks and this one really works and will only take you about ten seconds! Amazingly, it really works and will reveal your all-time favorite movie. I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator
just to confirm my numerical capabilities. Each time I got the same answer and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie EVER! DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom.
You will be AMAZED at how scarily true and accurate this test is. 1. Pick a number from 1-9. 2. Multiply that number by 3. 3. Add 3. 4. Multiply by 3 again. 5. Your total will be a two digit number.
Add the first and second digits together to find
your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below: Movie List: 1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. My Name Is Nobody
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Citizen Kane
9. The Obama Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire Now, isn't that something?


Mossberg Serial Numbers
 
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.
 
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