LOL, you Infidel... 
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEI5js4RCpc[/youtube]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEI5js4RCpc[/youtube]
2 + 2 + 2 = 7 (Jokes)
- Thread starter MikeD
- Start date
Wrenches
.270 WIN
Funny joke I found.
Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in
spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share
office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put
up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The
town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not
acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High
Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives -
thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in
Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts
and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons -
forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it
Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in
spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share
office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put
up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The
town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not
acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High
Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives -
thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in
Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts
and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons -
forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it
A woman was on her death bed and said to her husband "come near, I have something to confess."
He said "don't worry, you have nothing to worry about."
In a gravelly voice she said "I must confess. I need to be clear the air before I die. I slept with your brother, father and everyone single one of your friends."
He whispered in her ear as nice as he could "I know, that's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes and go to sleep."
He said "don't worry, you have nothing to worry about."
In a gravelly voice she said "I must confess. I need to be clear the air before I die. I slept with your brother, father and everyone single one of your friends."
He whispered in her ear as nice as he could "I know, that's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes and go to sleep."
:shock: :twisted:
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the
neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of
the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and
quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the
neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of
the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and
quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
A guy walks into his kitchen where his wife is standing. The guy has a duck under his arm. He says, "This is the pig I've been f******." His wife says, "That's a duck."
The guy says, "I wasn't talking to you."
---
A well dressed lady walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some cyanide. The pharmacist asked her why she needed the cyanide, whereby she replied, "I want to kill my husband!"
The pharmacist replied, "You can't just kill your husband. What has he done that makes you want to kill him?"
The lady replies, "He's been cheating on me!" The pharmacist asks, "How do you know he's cheating?" The lady reaches into her purse and retrieves a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife, in bed together!
The pharmacist then replies, "Why didn't you say you had a prescription!"
The guy says, "I wasn't talking to you."
---
A well dressed lady walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some cyanide. The pharmacist asked her why she needed the cyanide, whereby she replied, "I want to kill my husband!"
The pharmacist replied, "You can't just kill your husband. What has he done that makes you want to kill him?"
The lady replies, "He's been cheating on me!" The pharmacist asks, "How do you know he's cheating?" The lady reaches into her purse and retrieves a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife, in bed together!
The pharmacist then replies, "Why didn't you say you had a prescription!"
There was once a young black politician who wanted to be President. He had no experience, a questionable lineage, and a undying desire to turn his country upside down....oh, wait, that's not a joke, it's real...my bad.
cmcdonald
Boating Accident Victim
Staff member
Administrator
Global Moderator
Supporter
"Philanthropist"
There is a medical distinction; we've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in DEATH!
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in DEATH!
Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!" the manager replied.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!" the manager replied.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." ''Mrs. Sanders, please." ''Speaking." ''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as... well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which."
''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these cheap tests one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which."
''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these cheap tests one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
The Retiree One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?""No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You made a shotgun ? "
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?""No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You made a shotgun ? "
A 5 year old's first job Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
Took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even
Presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those @$$holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock...
Took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even
Presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those @$$holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock...